Am:002210 G:320033
The count has an eye on his ankle
F:133211 E:022100
and lives in a horrible place.
He wants all your money. He's never at all funny.
He wants to remove your face.
C:032010 G
And you might be thinking, "What a romp this is!"
F E
But wait till you meet his accomplices.
When you see Count Olaf, you're suddenly full of
disgust and despair and dismay.
In the whole of the soul of Count Olaf, there's no love.
When you see Count Olaf, count to zero,
Am G
then scream and run away.
Am G F E Am
Scream, scream, scream, and run away
Am G
Run run run run run run run
F E
or die, die die die die die die die
Am G
Run, run run run run run run run
F
E
Am
or die, die die die die die die die die die die.
Two women with powdered white faces
and one long-nosed bald man with warts.
Things worsen and worsen. There's a hook-handed person
and others with nastier parts.
This evil and unpleasant group
completes Count Olaf's acting troupe.
The goal of Count Olaf is getting control of
the fortunes of urchins and orphans, hooray!
I mean, horrors! Count Olaf is no laughing matter.
When you see Count Olaf, count to zero,
then scream and run away.
Scream, scream, scream, and run away
Run run run run run run run
or die, die die die die die die die
Run, run run run run run run run
or die, die die die die die die die die die die.
Db:446664 Ab:466544
In the reptile room, where the baby screams,
Bbm:113321 Gb:244322
weirder creatures loom than in all of your dreams.
In the reptile room, hither and thither,
creatures from Khartoum slither anywhither.
In the reptile room, anacondas dance.
Will they be our doom? Will we be their bon-bons?
Bbm
Db
And you wanna know wanna know wanna know why I frown?
Ab
Db
Well, I'm smiling: I'm just smiling upside-down.
In the reptile room, there's an evil man
in a strange costume. Do not ride in his van.
In the reptile room are pythons at play
in the murky gloom. What a horrible day!
3. THE WORLD IS A VERY SCARY PLACE
G:320033 C:032010 D:x00232
The world is a very scary place, my dear.
G
C
D
It's hurled and it's twirled through outer space, I fear.
C G D
So many ways to lose your skin in it.
C G D
The number of ways to die is infinite.
The world is a very scary thing, I find.
It's curled all my toes, and it's curling my mind.
When I was young my study was candies,
but they attract tarantulas and bees.
Some people act as if there were nothing wrong,
due to the fact they haven't heard this song.
The world is a very scary place to go.
It's whorled and it's swirled with death-like lace, you know.
You may have found my views unorthodox,
but now the wolf is at the door. It knocks.
INTRO (a cappella):
Dreary, dreary, dreary, dreary
Gm:355333 D:x00232 Gm
Gone, gone, the girl in brocade.
Gm Eb:668886 Bb:688766 D
Gone the words we might have said.
Gm D F:133211 Am:002210
Howl, winds, because she is dead,
Eb D Gm D Gm D
and gone, gone, gone.
Gm D Bb C:032010
Were teary, teary eyes once bright?
D
Weary sighs the tune.
Gm D Bb C
Dreary, dreary fall the night
D Gm D Gm D
and eerie light of the moon.
Gone, gone, my Beatrice.
Gone, the lips I longed to kiss,
into a black and bleak abyss.
Gone, gone, gone. (Gone are the summers of croquet and cribbage.)
Were teary, teary eyes once bright? (Gone, gone)
Weary sighs the tune. (are the winters of)
Dreary, dreary fall the night (snow)
and eerie light of the moon. (sighs and secrets)
Were teary, teary eyes once bright? (Gone, too)
Weary sighs the tune. (silver springs, golden)
Dreary, dreary fall the night (falls)
and eerie light of the moon. (dreary, dreary, dreary, dreary)
G#m:466444 F#:244322
I have known little civility, sir
E:022100 D#:668886
few have been kind, fewer truthful
and, though within my ability, sir,
I remain dutifully youthful,
B:224442 F#
I go gray, then bald, with chagrin
A:002220 E B F#
when you play the violin.
How I pray for death to begin
when you play the violin.
True, there's been trouble and trickery, sir;
trembling and tribulations;
twitches from switches of hickory, sir;
you, sir, and your usurpations;
but my patience wears very thin
when you play the violin.
How I stay, I can't imagine
when you play the violin.
I've endured struggling and thuggery, sir;
physical ed and psychosis;
sculleries, skulls, and skullduggery, sir;
haplessness, hype, and hypnosis;
but -- oy vey! -- the horrible din
when you play the violin.
You betray an ear made of tin
A E
A E B
when you play -- when you slay -- the violin!
This abyss of world destroyed.
This abyss, all deep, all wide.
This abyss of being denied.
C D
Even in the darkest forest,
C D
fireflies are flickering... but not in
this abyss of black increase,
this abyss without surcease.
Even in the deepest ocean
is a little moonlight... but not in
this abyss of night unbound,
this abyss without a sound.
Even in your bedroom shadows,
there is something moving... but not in
this abyss, this all-below.
This abyss, this death, this "no."
NOTE: The chords presented here are one-half step lower than those
in the recording. Capo the first fret to play in the correct key.
INTRO: Em:022000 G:320033 D:x00232 A:002220
D G Em
G D A
D G
It gets dark around here early because of all the crows.
C:032010
G D A
D G
What they want and where they came from, no one really knows.
Em G D A
Crows are sour and surly, with reason, I suppose.
D G C G D
There are crows, crows, crows in the trees,
A C Em
saying crow things, doing as they please.
D G C G D
There are crows, crows, crows everywhere,
A
C G
Em G D A
but when I think of you, dear, I don't care.
It gets light around here slowly because of how it goes.
Every day we hear the same dumb list of those crows' woes.
Thinking they're so holy while leaving mementoes.
D G C G D
There are crows, crows, crows in the trees,
A C Em
saying crow things, doing as they please.
D G C G D
There are crows, crows, crows everywhere,
A
C G
D
but when I think of you, dear, I don't care.
C G
I don't care because I know you love me,
D A
unlike all the crows lurking above me.
D G C G D
There are crows, crows, crows in the trees,
A C Em
saying crow things, doing as they please.
D G C G D
There are crows, crows, crows everywhere,
A
C G
but when I think of you, dear, I don't care.
8. SMILE! NO ONE CARES HOW YOU FEEL
TAB FOR THE F CHORD:
E--------5----------
B--6---6---6---6----
G----5-------5---5--
D-------------------
A-------------------
E-------------------
TAB FOR THE Bbm CHORD:
E--------6----------
B--6---6---6---6----
G----6-------6---6--
D-------------------
A-------------------
E-------------------
F:133211 Bbm:113321
Smile! No one cares how you feel.
F
Be vicious, vain, and vile.
Bbm
F
Everything's yours to steal if you'll just smile.
Bbm
F
Have you no dignity? Have you no sense of style?
Bbm F
You'll never be pretty until you smile.
Smile! No one cares how you feel.
There's a world to beguile.
You can make this world kneel if you'll just smile.
Always the best disguise. A license to defile.
Everyone you despise will die, so smile.
F:133211
C:032010
People gawk at the way you walk. You're a freakshow.
C
F
People squawk 'bout the way you talk. You're a freakshow.
People stare at your scary hair. You're a freak show.
People glare at that hat you wear. You're a freakshow.
F Bb:113331
Real people want to know
Dm:x00231 G:320033 E:022100 A:002220
what it is about your face that irritates them so.
Real people stop and ask
why you wear that costume and why don't you wear a mask.
Normal folk think you're just a joke and a freakshow.
Normal types cross the street for swipes at the freakshow.
Even birds stop to drop their turds on the freakshow.
Even geeks, even other freaks, hate the freakshow.
Real people fume and seethe.
How you dare to share the air the public has to breathe.
Real people ask you why,
with a face like you've got, won't you just lie down and...
Real people look on you
like something unpleasant for the garbage crew to do.
Real people question how
someone took a lobster's face and put it on a cow.
Real people say, "Har, har,
as a monster movie actor, you could be a star,"
D:x00232
and soon... you are!
10. HOW DO YOU SLOW THIS THING DOWN?
D:x00232 A:002220 G:320033
(C): How do you slow this thing down?
D A G
How do you make this thing slow down?
D A F:133211 G
We tried to brake by saying, "Must be some mistake."
D A F G
Problem unsolved, we said, "Don't make me get involved." (C)
We tried to slow it down by shrieking, "No, no, no."
We tried to halt by whimpering, "It's not my fault." (C)
It's not fair. We've tried all kinds of prayer.
We tried science. It sped up in defiance. (C)
F:133211 Gm:355333 C:032010
A million mushrooms fill the field where marchers' bodies lately
fell.
F
Gm
F C
F
More marchers, marching heavy-heeled, release more spores
-- that march as well
across the twilit charnel ground and over
long-bewildered farms,
through palaces where not a sound is heard,
though there should be alarms.
But winter comes, and only ice is
crushed beneath the marching feet.
In all the land, where once
was rice, there now is nothing fit to eat
except mushrooms, which
nourish not the body, nourish not the mind,
and often poison.
Eating rot, the marchers march, insane and blind.
12. THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY APPEAR
Gm:355333 Cm:335543
Things are not what they appear,
D:x00232 Gm
starting with a mother's love.
Eb:668886 F:133211
When a helping hand comes near,
D Gm
it becomes an empty glove.
Things
are not what they appear,
starting with your hopes and dreams.
Just one thing in life is clear:
nothing's ever what it seems.
Bb:113331 F D Gm Cm D
Even babies lie, and the stars don't cry.
Nothing's ever what it
seems.
People lie from ear to ear
just to help their little
teams,
which are not what they appear.
We are wrong to begin
with,
even if we were sincere.
Truth is just a useful myth.
Things are not what they appear.
Bb F D Gm
Even babies steal, and the stars
don't squeal.
Even babies kill, and the stars are still.
A:002220 E:022100
I can't think of a single thing I'd rather do
F#m:244222 D:x00232
than be cast away on an
island with you.
A E
No, I can't think of anything more heavenly
F#m
D
E A
than
to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me.
D
E
Shipwrecked
with you, shipwrecked with you
A E
I can't think of a single thing I'd rather do
F#m D
than be cast
away on an island with you.
A E
Far from distractions and matters of
state,
Bm:224432 C#:446664
we can quit smoking and quickly lose weight,
A D
sleeping till noon
and then staying up late,
Bm E
at latitude zero and longitude eight.
I
am a gentleman: should you get hurt,
I'll make a tourniquet out of my
shirt.
You needn't do much, just sit there and flirt,
and if it
looks drizzly, I'll build us a yurt.
I can't think of a single
thing I'd rather do,
and that's why I had to get rid of the crew.
So I lopped off their heads and dropped them in the sea,
just to have
you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me.
Shipwrecked
with you, shipwrecked with you
I can't think of a single thing I'd rather do,
and that's why I
decapitated the crew.
How could I know there's no island
nearby?
If I don't eat something soon, I'll just die.
I
wouldn't eat you. Oh, never, not I.
So let's catch a shark
and I'll make us a pie.
What shall we use for bait? Lend me
a hand.
I'll sew it back on when we get to land.
But if the
shark takes it, that would be grand
(because we won't starve to death,
you understand).
I can't think of a single thing I wouldn't do
to
end up shipwrecked on an island with you.
No, there's nobody I
wouldn't kill -- nobody
just to have you shipwrecked on a tropical
island with me.
Shipwrecked
with you, shipwrecked with you
I can't think of a single
thing I wouldn't do
to end up shipwrecked on an island with you
A
again.
G:320033 D:x00232 C:032010 G
Regal and royal, we walk down the street,
A:002220 C
D
a spring in our feet,
whistling a tune.
G D C G
Hey there, little moon, how's Mr. Sun?
A C G
I
meet everyone walking my gargoyle.
Loving and loyal, he's my best
friend.
Folks can't comprehend the fact that he talks.
Vultures and hawks turn white as doves,
cause everyone loves my little
gargoyle.
G A
I found him on a church.
D
He helps with my
research.
People recoil when they see me.
Obviously, I'm
pretty extreme.
Most people scream most of the time,
but always
when I'm walking my gargoyle.
Puddles may boil when we go by,
my
gargoyle and I, happy again.
Beautiful men? Yes, without
fail.
I'm wagging my tails walking my gargoyle.
A C G
Wagging my tails walking my gargoyle.
G:320033 Em:022000
We are the Gothic Archies: Death, Tentacles, and Pip.
G Em
Be
sure to buy our record, and don't forget to tip.
C:032010 D:x00232
The Gothic
Archies are we, with whom you should not mess:
C D
the apogee and zenith of
gothicarchieness.
We are the Gothic Archies: Death, Tentacles,
and Pip.
Be sure to buy a T-shirt, and then you will be
hip.
Are the Gothic Archies we? Oh, are we ever they!
In fact, it is a myst'ry how anyone could say
A:002220 F#m:244222
we're not the Gothic
Archies (Pip, Tentacles, and Death).
A F#m
We love to kill such people
by squeezing out their breath.
D:x00232 E:022100
Are we the Gothic Archies?
Be careful what you say.
D E
(You are the Gothic Archies.
Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ray.)
Oh, archiesway othicgay ethay, areway
eway;
illiantbray yricistslay, an'tcay ouyay eesay?
Tho gothic,
we are archie. Tho archie, we are goth.
No
Satan-worshippers we. We worship Yog-Sothoth.
(Htohtos-Goy
pihsrow ew. Ew sreppihsrow-Natas on.
Htog era ew, eihcra
oht. Eihcra. Eihcra era ew, cihtog oht.)
ENDS WITH F#m